


Our Posterity

by StarTrekkin08



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Forehead Kisses, Gen, Gentle Kissing, Hand Jobs, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Pain, Sex, Shock, post-Episode: s04e21 The Omega Directive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:21:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25371565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTrekkin08/pseuds/StarTrekkin08
Summary: An accident changes one person's life forever.
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 29
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Post-"Omega Directive" and "The Good Sheppard."

His Starfleet-issued boots pounded on the ground as he walked to astrometrics. The wrists at his sides held clenched hands at his side. Chakotay was furious with Seven and he headed towards her location to tell her off.

**Earlier that day…**

  
Tom turned around in his chair and said, “Commander, the Delta Flyer has left shuttlebay two.”

“The captain?” Chakotay asked.

Tom nodded.

With a disgruntled look he said, “Track Seven’s shuttlecraft and the Delta Flyer. Do not move from our current position. We don’t know the full impacts of dealing with these particles and we already know how volatile they can be.”

“Aye, sir,” Tom said.

They had discovered a nebula-type cluster of particles which were eerily similar to the Omega particle but was not as destructuve. Without permission, Seven took off to explore the particles in an attempt to contain and stabilize one of them for further study, even after her request to do so had been denied by Captain Janeway. It appeared that the captain decided to go after her.

“Harry, can you hail Seven again?”

Harry pressed the console and said, “A channel is open.”

Chakotay said, “Seven, you need to return back to Voyager. You are violating direct orders not to engage with those particles.”

Silence. “No response, commander,” Ensign Kim said.

“How far away is Seven from those particles?” Chakotay asked.

“A thousand kilometers.”

“The captain?”

“A lightyear away from the particles.”

“Hail the captain.”

“Channel open.”

“Captain, Seven is only a thousand kilometers from the particles. Stay back.”

“I’ll be careful, commander,” she said and the channel turned off.

Captain Janeway had the shuttle in her sight. “Captain Janeway to the Sacagawea.”

No response.

“Seven. Back off from the particles now. That’s an order.”

No response.

“Computer, transport the lifesign at these coordinates,” she pressed the console’s buttons.

‘Unable to transport,’ the computer said.

Some of the particles moved towards the Delta Flyer. Kathryn activated a tractor beam to capture the Sacagawea.

...

Voyager rumbled for a minute and then stopped.

“Report!” barked Chakotay.

“It appeared to be a shockwave that emanated from the nebula,” said Tuvok.

“Cause?”

“An explosion of some kind.”

Chakotay’s stomach dropped.

“No damage reported on Voyager,” Tuvok added.

Chakotay said, “Contact the Delta Flyer.”

Tuvok said, “The line is open.”

“Chakotay to Captain Janeway.”

No answer.

“Captain, please respond.”

No answer.

“Try the Sacagawea.”

Once the line was open, Chakotay said, “Chakotay to Seven.”

No response.

“Seven, can you hear me?”

“Yes, commander.”  
…

Captain Janeway was lying on what was supposed to be the floor. The ship had been flipped upside-down due to the explosion. Her eyes slowly opened as she took in the scene while the ship continued to spin like a kaleidoscope. Her breathing was labored and raspy. A large piece of a panel and bulkhead sat on her, covering her lungs all the way down to her legs. Her arms were free and with the little strength she had she tried to push it off, but to no avail. It was too heavy. Artificial gravity was working despite damage to the dampeners and warp stabilizers. Soon enough the ship would turn upright once more in a matter of seconds. The captain felt the panel tilt off of her as the ship rolled. As it did, she tried to use her arms to move away from it so it wouldn’t roll back onto her. However, she could hardly breathe even with the panel’s movement and her body was in excruciating pain. When the panel rolled off of her she could see the blood covering it. Her body slid sideways and crashed onto the panel with the next roll of the shuttle, causing her to become unconscious.  
…

“Seven, we felt a shockwave from an explosion and we can’t reach the captain. What happened?”

“The captain tried to transport me onto the Delta Flyer but I blocked it. I assume the next action she took was to place a tractor beam onto the shuttlecraft. There was an explosion, which may have been caused by the tractor beam interacting with one of the particles. The Sacagawea has some moderate damage. However, the Delta Flyer appears badly damaged due to the tractor beam hitting close to the captain's ship as it emerged. The captain's ship spinning out of control.”

He sighed and asked, "Do you still have warp capability?"

"Yes, commander."

Chakotay placed his hands on his hips and looked down and made a decision on how to proceed.

He said, “Carefully ram the Delta Flyer to stop the spinning. Once you are adjacent to the ship, beam the captain on board the Sacagawea.”

...

After a slow twenty minutes of careful maneuvering through the article field, Seven clicked her combadge and said, "I have the captain. She is unconscious, breathing shallowly, and is bleeding severely. She needs immediate medical attention."


	2. Chapter 2

…

The Doctor hastily went to work on the captain as she materialized in sickbay.

After they put even further distance between themselves and the nebula, Chakotay ordered Tuvok to have security escort Seven to the astrometrics until further notice and headed down to sickbay. He would prefer the brig or cargo bay two but this system had been tricky to navigate and they needed all the help they could get.

“How is she?” Chakotay said as he entered.

The Doctor wouldn't let him too close because he was operating. "You don't want to see this right now, commander, so I suggest you stop there. I believe she’s out of critical danger right now but she's still in surgery. The captain’s punctured lung has been repaired. I am still working on her shattered pelvis and dislocated right shoulder and leg. She bled quite a bit from her lung and pelvis. The captain has a concussion as well so she won't be able to tell you what happened right now,” said the Doctor.

He nodded. “I’m going down to the launch bay to check out the damage to the Delta Flyer. Keep me informed of her progress."

“Yes, commander.”

Chakotay decided to make Seven wait since she’s made everyone stop for her selfish needs. Once he left sickbay he tapped his combadge and called, “Chakotay to B’Elanna.”

‘B’Elanna here.’

“Can you join me in checking out the Delta Flyer’s damage in a few minutes?”

‘On my way.’

…

B’Elanna had also brought Vorik along to look at the ship. When Chakotay arrived, The Delta Flyer was a wreck. She looked like a crushed can compared to the Sacagawea. They were able to open the hatch but it made an unnerving scraping and screeching metallic noise as they did so.

“Ohhh, Tom’s not going to like that,” B’Elanna said as she winced and shook her head at the sound.

The hatch landed on the ground with a final screech and they boarded the ship. The rest area of the ship looked untouched except for some displaced suits.

Vorik scanned and worked on one of the panels. He said, “There is damage to the dampening field and to the port nacelles’ stabilizers. Also, the communications array is down.”  
While he continued to look at the panel, Chakotay and B'Elanna went up the steps towards the helm. She was only a few paces behind him when Chakotay roared, “Damn it, Seven!” and slammed his palm against the nearest bulkhead.

B’Elanna stopped behind him. His yell stopped her in her tracks because Chakotay only used that tone when he was absolutely enraged. However, that wasn’t the only thing that had stopped both her and Chakotay. There was blood on the floor, sides, and roof of the ship; it looked like a murder scene. B’Elanna placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him a bit. He let out a shaky sigh and she moved onto one of the seats at the helm.

“Well, the viewscreen is obviously cracked. The side systems panel is detached,” she sat down and continued, “these panels are down as well.”

“How long do you believe repairs would take on the Flyer?” Chakotay asked in a normal tone.

“With a few people, maybe a month. The most critical damage is actually on the outside of the ship.”

“Assign someone to work on the shuttle’s outer hull. When they are done they can work on the Sacagawea. I will assign Seven to start the work on the Flyer.”

“Will do,” she said.

...

**Two days later after the explosion.**

‘Doctor to Commander Chakotay,” his combadge called.

“Yes, Doctor.”

‘The captain is awakening.’

"I'll be right there."

  
…

As her eyes started to open she felt how exhausted she was. She recognized the feeling of the uncomfortably stiff sickbay bed underneath her. Starfleet hopefully upgraded them in the Alpha Quadrant since they have been gone.

“Hello, captain,” the doctor said.

“Hello, doctor.”

He joked, “We must stop meeting like this, captain.”

“No arguments there.”

“How are you feeling?”

“It’s a bit too early to tell. I just opened my eyes but I know I’m really stiff and tired,” she sat up and said, “Whoaaooohhh that hurts. What was the damage?”

“You had a concussion, a punctured lung, a crushed and shattered pelvis, a dislocated right arm, and broken left leg.”

“Great,” she said.

“Captain, I’m going to press down on some spots I repaired and I need you to tell me if it feels sore, hurts, or feels abnormal.”  
She nodded.

The EMH pressed by her lungs.

Kathryn nodded and said, “It’s sore there.”

He continued to the upper and lower abdomen. She sucked in the air and cried, “Oh, oh, ouch! It really hurts there, in the lower abdomen. Stop." he gripped his arm.

The Doctor nodded. "I'll give you an analgesic when I am done."

"Good," she said.

He then continued with her legs and knees.

She said, “Feels fine as far I can tell but I don't know without standing. Maybe a bit strained.”

“Move your right arm for me,” he said.

Kathryn moved her arm and said, “It feels fine.”

“Do you feel any dizziness? Vertigo?”

“Yeah I feel I feel a bit dizzy but I mostly feel drained and out of it,” Kathryn replied.

“Okay. Let me get you something for the dizziness the pain.” The Doctor gave her a few hyposprays.

Chakotay entered sickbay and joined them. “It’s good to see you awake,” he said.

“Thanks. How did I even get here?” Kathryn asked.

Chakotay said, “I had Seven ram into the Delta Flyer to stop the spinning. Voyager carefully navigated through the particles to bring both ships into the bays.”

“Was it the tractor beam that caused the explosion?”

“Yes.”

Kathryn said, “I was right about how dangerous they could be. Apparently they are even more sensitive than I originally estimated.”

Chakotay said, “You shouldn’t have been out there.”

“I know, but I had to go after her,” she replied.

“I know.”

“Do you remember what happened after the explosion?”

“The Delta Flyer was spinning and a side panel crashed onto on my chest and legs. With each rotation it on-and-off rammed into me. I remember struggling to breathe and trying to keep the panel away from me until I passed out.”

Kathryn faced the doctor now. “How long?”

“Two days since you came in.”

She swivelled her legs off the side of the bed and immediately called herself an idiot. The analgesics helped but she still felt it.

“Ohhhh,” she cried as she her abdomen and bent over with a strained face. “That’s more painful than I realized.”

“That brings us to another thing I need to tell you,” the EMH said as he pressed an increased dose of analgesic into her neck. Then he looked at the commander and back to her, hinting that she might want some privacy for this one.

“Go ahead, doctor. It’s alright. Chakotay can hear what you have to say in front of me.”

The Doctor’s serious look caused her own face to fall. She knew it wasn’t good, whatever it was.

“Due to the damage in your lower extremities,” he paused slightly, “you will not be able to bear a child.”

Kathryn felt like she was hit by wall.

The Doctor continued, “You will not be able to create eggs. The crushing on your lower abdomen and shattering of your pelvis did major irreparable damage to your reproductive system."

She said flatly, "I assume you have already looked into all possibilities."

He said, "I have. I’m sorry, captain.”

Her mind was scattered and she felt the color drain from her already pale face. A rock was lodged in her throat as she held her breath. She bit her lip as she attempted to keep her tears at bay.

‘No children,’ she thought.

Kathryn suddenly felt her forehead and palms get clammy and sweaty. Without thinking, she stood up from the biobed. She felt like moving; her eyes searching for something. She needed to do something. Anything.

“Captain?” Chakotay said with a worried look.

Before she knew it she was on the floor in pain with her face in her tear-stained hands with them kneeling beside her.

“She’s in a state of shock. I’m going to get her a sedative.” The EMH got the sedative and pressed it against her neck and her eyes closed.

Chakotay and the EMH carefully lifted her back onto the biobed.

“Are you sure? Not a chance?” he asked.

The Doctor responded, “Unfortunately.”

Chakotay’s heart ached for her. He knew she wanted to have children of her own. So did he. Now the chance that she could ever have his children was dashed.

The EMH said, “She needs to rest, commander.”

“Of course,” Chakotay said softly.

Chakotay brushed her hair out of her face and squeezed Kathryn’s hand before he left sickbay.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Present**

Chakotay relieved security and entered astrometrics.

“Seven, you disobeyed orders,” he said as he stared at her, trying to manage his emotions.

“Yes.”

“You endangered this ship. It was a very dangerous particle cloud.”

“I know I could contain it.”

“You saw the damage it caused and how sensitive the particles were. Even a tractor beam set them off!”

“We are explorers,” she replied.

“We cannot be explorers if we’re dead, Seven!” He was yelling now and he was about to get a whole lot louder. “You are extremely selfish! One part about being human is putting others before yourself. That’s how you prove that you care. You can’t even do _ **that**!_” He bellowed and got within a few feet of Seven. His face was livid.

Chkaotay's arm pointed outwards as he gestured and spoke, “Your selfish actions caused the captain to lose out on a dream of hers! Your selfish actions mean that she can never have children! You took that dream away from her! You took away part of her future!”

Seven’s face was now strained and tears were forming as she gulped. After a few breaths, Chakotay lowered his voice down to an almost normal tone.

“You are assigned to repair the Delta Flyer now that we are cleared of the system. You will first clean off the blood covering the inside immediately.” With that, he left astrometrics leaving a stunned Seven behind.

  
…

His hands were shaking as he quickly walked out of astrometrics. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, fighting against the rapid breathing of his lungs. Chakotay hated being like this; it reminded him of being in the Maquis and the anger he held after his father’s death.

‘However, I feel like I need to hold onto this,’ he thought, ‘Seven took away my dream, too.’

He entered the turbolift with his mind swimming. “Bridge,” he stated and the whirring began. He clutched his hands into fists to try to mitigate the shaking before the turbolift doors opened. He went straight to his seat once the turbolift stopped.

“Commander, how is the captain?” Harry asked and Tom glanced over.

How could he answer that? She’s recovering? Healing? Out of danger?

Chakotay said, “The captain…”

Is in shock? Traumatized? Broken? In grief?

“..is resting,” he chose to say.

That should do it. He took a look at his arm console.

Harry added, “How long until the captain is back on duty?”

Physically? Mentally?

“I’m not a fortune teller, ensign! Whenever she is back on duty. No sooner, no later!” He barked.

Tom’s eyes were wide and he mouthed a silent, “Okay…” when he turned back to face his console. Harry looked as if his parents had grounded him for a year. Tuvok had straightened his posture.

‘I’ve done it, haven’t I?’ Chakotay thought as he sighed.

Regaining himself a bit, he said, “I’m sorry, Harry. A few days she’ll be out of sickbay but I’m not sure exactly when she’ll fully return to duty.”

“Thanks,” Harry squeaked.

It was time for Chakotay to update the duty rosters.

  
…

After his shift, Chakotay went to the mess hall for dinner. Normally, today would be one of his dinners with Kathryn. Since they couldn’t, he didn’t feel like wasting his replicator rations. He figured he’d save up for the next time they had dinner. Chakotay grabbed a tray of food and loaded it before getting a drink and sitting down at a corner table. Chakotay absent-mindedly picked through his food and ate a little. Someone decided to take a seat in front of him.

“I know that look.” He looked up to see that it was B’Elanna who sat down.

He replied, “What look?”

“The something-is-bugging-me-to-the-core-and-I-want-to-sulk-look.”

“I don’t think now is the best time, B’Elanna.”

“Tom told me you practically ripped Harry’s head off today on the bridge.”

“Perhaps. I apologized.”

“You have never yelled at Harry before, or at least like that, if I remember correctly. Did he do something wrong?”

“No.”

“Then, what?”

Chakotay was tight-lipped as he shoved a piece of steam broccoli into his mouth.

“I won’t leave you alone until you tell me. I haven’t seen you this angry in a long time.”

He looked down and didn’t say anything.

“Is it about Seven?”

Chakotay’s jaw clenched and his veins started to bulge.

“The captain?”

His fork clattered on his tray.

“The captain is out of danger, Chakotay. Seven...was irresponsible and she’ll have to deal with all of us. We had to tip-toe around those particles while holding our breath to get the two of them. No one’s going to take that lightly.”

He still said nothing but gripped the table with white knuckles.

B"Elanna continued, “Seven’s been working non-stop on the Flyer-”

“She cannot have children,” Chakotay blurted and cut her off in frustration.

With a confused look, B’Elanna said, “...What?”

Chakotay looked at her in the eyes and softly and quietly said, “The captain cannot have children because of her injuries.”

B’Elanna clasped her hand over her mouth in the revelation. “Oh, my god. Poor Captain Janeway. Does she know?” She leaned forward.

He nodded and took a drink from his glass. As he set the glass down he said, “Harry asked how the captain was doing and asked when she’d return to the bridge. I went off.”

B’Elanna bobbed her in understanding. “That explains it.”

“Please don’t tell anyone else or even let the captain you know,” he asked.

“I won’t. I understand, Chakotay,” she said and stood up and laid a hand on his arm.

“She will just need our support even more when she returns.”

With those words, B’ Elanna left him alone.

…

Chakotay took a shower and decided to read before bed. He couldn’t get the look Kathryn had on her face when she was told the news out of his head. It was pure heartbreak. It reminded him of the time she received her letter from Mark.

But still, this wasn’t the same. Kathryn had expected that. She didn’t expect this. He thought of the time they, or rather he, had talked about the possibility of the crew hooking up during their journey years back and creating a generational ship. He remembered New Earth and how he watched her sleep thinking of the possibility of something more.

He knew he was in love with her. He knew we wanted children and of his own, preferably with Kathryn. She could adopt but that isn’t quite the same as flesh and blood. Plus, it’s not like she had that option readily available, either. Chakotay shut his book knowing he read the same paragraph at least ten times. His hands ran over his face and he leaned his head back on the chair. It was going to be a restless night.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn groggily awoke that morning. She had forgotten where she was until she looked around. She shot up into a sitting position.

She gasped, forgetting the pain.

“Captain?” The EMH rushed over from his office.

“It wasn’t a dream, was it? I can’t have children?"

Softly he said, “No, it was not a dream, captain. I’m sorry. It is true.”

She placed a hand over her chest and decided to press forward. “What time is it?”

“06:30. You were given a sedative.”

She said, “Apparently one strong enough to knock an elephant out.” Her stomach growled.

“Do you want to have some breakfast?”

“Sure.”

“What would you like?”

“Maybe some toast and orange juice. My stomach feels a little shaky.”

“Sure thing.”

As he went to replicate the food she tried to sit cross-legged so she could eat from the biobed. She didn’t like to eat laying down. She realized how dumb of an idea that was when the ligaments between her thighs and pelvis started to painfully strain. She cried out enough for the doctor to immediately return.

“Captain!” He moved her legs back in a straightened position to lay back down. “You need to take it easy. It looks like you’ll need more physical therapy than I thought. Here,” he said and grabbed some extra pillows to put behind her to lean back on.

“There’s a biobed tray, you know.”

The EMH went back to the replicator and returned with her breakfast and an analgesic. The tray was crossed over her so she could eat.

Kathryn went over what the Doctor told her yesterday.

‘It’s no good dwelling about it,’ she told herself. ‘It’s not going to change anything. That’s it. It’s a closed door just like Mark. The Delta Quadrant is punishing me for my mistake for bringing us all out here by destroying my tubes and ovaries. You just need to continue to be captain.’

Of course, telling herself that didn't mean that made it any easier to cope with. 

Seven had been reckless and insubordinate. She was angry. Seven could have put all of their lives in danger. After breakfast, she is going to have a talk with her.

...

The sickbay doors opened, with a glimpse of security standing by the door after the visitor entered.

“Captain.”

“Seven,” she replied.

Seven walked up to the biobed and Kathryn said, “Excuse us, doctor.” He moved to his office.

“You disobeyed orders, Seven.”

“I did...and I came to apologize, captain. The nebula’s particles were extremely dangerous and my curiosity got in the way. Only I should have been out there.”

At the last sentence a flurry of emotions emerged from Kathryn.

“No, you shouldn’t have never been out there in the first place! You know we couldn’t let you go out there, you know we would have come after you! Did you think we wouldn’t? Did you think I wouldn’t?!” She said and used her hands to gesture to the unseen space outside of the ship.

“I am not your responsibility.”

“You became my responsibility when you first came on board,” Kathryn said sternly.

“I didn’t ask to be here.”

“I didn’t ask-” Kathryn yelled and stopped with a sigh.

‘I didn't ask you to take away my hopes of having children one day,’ she thought, 'I didn't ask to be here, either.'

“You have lost my trust, Seven. You are going to have to do a lot of work to regain it. I assume you have already been given your next tasks. For now, your astrometrics duties will be reassigned, possibly indefinitely. Dismissed.”

Seven did not move right away.

"I said dismissed."

Seven turned around and left sickbay.

The EMH returned.

“Don’t you _dare_ defend her,” Kathryn warned.

“I wasn’t. Not this time.”

She now needed to talk with someone else about the new changes. The captain pressed her combadge with shaky hands.

“Janeway to Chakotay.”

‘Yes, captain?’

“I need to go over duty reassignments with you.”

‘On my way.”

The doctor looked at her. “Captain, you need to-”

“ _Don’t_ tell me what I need to do now. I’m not going anywhere, that’s for certain. How long until I can return to the bridge?”

“Several weeks. Even after physical therapy it will take a while to walk normally. Then, of course, there is other therapy we need to address.”

She pressed on. “How long until I can return to my own bed?”

“It depends on your recovery. You will have trouble walking around and going to the refresher without help.”

‘Great,’ she thought. However, when she thought of the waves of pain she had been in, she knew she would have trouble doing things on her own.

...

Chakotay entered sickbay with a PADD in hand. “Hello, captain. It’s good to see you this morning.”

“Nice to see you as well, commander. Now, about Seven’s duties-”

“I’ve assigned her to repair the Delta Flyer upon return, if that’s okay with you.” He placed a hand on the biobed and braced himself on it. 

Kathryn responded, “Okay. When she finishes that task we will discuss her next duty. I am suspending Seven’s access to astrometrics.”

Chakotay said, “All access to astrometrics?"

“Yes.”

“Good, she’s done enough exploring,” Chakotay let slip out as he updated his PADD. Seven’s been coddled, too, but Chakotay wasn’t going to say that.

The captain and the EMH stared at him and his response.

Chakotay thought Kathryn might rebuke him when she looked up. She didn’t.

Kathryn said, “It also looks like physical therapy will take me out somewhere between two and three weeks from the bridge. Plan for two for now.”

“Yes, captain.” Chakotay moved closer and took her hand. Kathryn let out a relieving sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“It will all be taken care of, all right?” He reassured her. "I'll even get the carpets cleaned."

She nodded. “Thank you, Chakotay.”

“Anything for you, Kathryn.”

She was able to manage a small smile which made Chakotay’s eyes light up.

“Well, Chakotay. It looks like I need to begin my physical therapy so I can join you on the bridge soon.”

He knew what she was doing. Kathryn was protecting herself with the captain's uniform even if she still was in her medical garb. Hopefully she will be able able to talk about it soon. If not him, someone. 

“Okay. But don't let the Doc be too hard on you."

Chakotay thought he saw a smile peek in the corner or her mouth. He gave a soft smile and a curt nod before he left.

"We're not doing major physical therapy today, captain," the Doctor said.

"Why not?

"We can only do minimal stretches but it helps if you're...not tense before we do them."

"Who says I'm tense?"

"You argued with Seven. You just threw out orders to Chakotay. Do you want to talk about it?"

With a steely look she said, "No. There's nothing to talk about. Let's start those stretches."

...

**Hours later.**

"Captain. Stop. Your body can't handle it."

She was trembling uncontrollably on her side. Kathryn did a few very minimal stretches that were more to strengthen her knees because of the repaired broken leg. Her blood pumped, causing her lungs and head to throb a little. However, that's not what caused the shaking. She was trying to do some side-leg and butterly/pelvis lift stretches. After just two she started to shake. This was after analgesics. It even hurt to be on her side with cushioning. 

She nodded and stopped. 

The Doctor brought a ice-cold compress and placed it around her side.

After awhile she garbled, "It's making it worse."

He took it away and tears started to emerge from the corners of her eyes.

The Doctor replaced it with a warm one and said, "It just takes awhile."

Kathryn nodded and started to let out some sniffles as her hands feverently tried to catch up with her eyes.

She heard the door open and there was no way for her to turn around to see who it was and had to watch the doctor talk.

"Hello, lieutenant."

"Hello, Doctor."

Kathryn shook her head slightly to communicate, "No," while looking at the Doctor.

"I'm afraid the captain is not in a condition to speak with you at the moment. She's resting. Do you need something?"

"I just came by to check on the captain. There is nothing urgent. I will let her rest. Thank you, Doctor," Tuvok said and she heard the doors close once again.

Kathryn let her sniffles out again that she had tried to hold during Tuvok's entrance.

The EMH got a box of tissues and brought them over.

"Thanks," she whispered even though she didn't have to. She went through half the box in a short amount of time.

...

After Chakotay's shift he went to sickbay to check on her. She was laying down on the bed with her head was resting on its side, asleep. He noticed her eyelids were puffed up and her face a little red. 

"How was she after this morning?" He asked to Doctor even though he already knew the answer after his observations.

"Not good, commander. She couldn't do many of the simple stretches because they were too exhausting. The captain has everything all bottled in. She didn't want to see Tuvok today or anyone else afterwards. She even turned Neelix away. She cried after the stretches but it was much more than that. I could tell."

Chakotay, "It's not going to be easy."

"No, it isn't."

"Well, goodnight, Doctor. I'll see you both tomorrow."

"Goodnight."


	5. Chapter 5

**Two days later.**

He caught her just in the knick of time before she fell down onto the floor.

“You see what I’m dealing with, commander? She’s overdoing it.” The Doctor said as Chakotay entered sickbay.

“Just give me another analgesic!” she cried, winded, while Chakotay’s arms held onto hers. “Tom, that’s an order.”

“No, captain. You’ve had enough,” said Tom.

“But I can do it,” she said.

The doctor said, “Maybe after a few more days you’ll be able to walk on your own, but not today. You need to rest now.”

She opened her mouth to speak but she was beat to it.

“Kathryn.” Chakotay's tone was warm and it told her to stand down. She closed her mouth and bit her lip. He was still holding her arms from behind. She could smell his aftershave still lingering on him.

“It has only been five days. You’re obviously still in pain. Step back. Only when your body is ready it will tell you. Don’t force it,” Chakotay told her in a soothing manner.

The captain slackened the tension in her body and let out a shuddering sigh. She knew he was right. Her body was the reason why she asked for more analgesic. Her pelvis was sore and whenever she tried to walk or move her legs it was in excruciating pain. However, her mind needed a distraction instead of wandering to other concerns. Yet, her body gave her sharp nauseating stabs to remind her she wasn’t ready.

“Okay, I surrender,” Kathryn winced and buckled slightly. Chakotay and Tom moved her back to the biobed. When she laid down the doctor did give her some compresses to help with the pain.

She and Chakotay had spoken a few times since the accident but it was always about the ship. Kathryn made sure of it. Chakotay brought some PADDs and books for her to keep her occupied. Each time he tried to bring up the subject or tried to have Tuvok approach it, she blatantly refused or redirected. 

'Not today,' Chakotay thought.

The captain looked down and noticed that Chakotay was still touching her arm even after she was placed on the biobed. ‘He has been boxing recently,’ she thought as he noticed the rough red patches along his knuckles.

“Tom, Doctor, will you excuse us for a bit?” Chakotay asked.

“Sure,” Tom said as they both retreated towards the medical research stations.

Kathryn looked up at him, wondering what he was going to start off with first.

“Hey,” he gave her arm a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

“Hey,” she replied.

“The captain’s assistant has been asking for you. She was interested in playing a game of Kadis-Kot with you. I told her that you’ve been tired lately but that I would pass along the message.”

Naomi, Voyager’s child. What a lovely girl with such innocence. Part of Voyager's posterity.

She looked down and just nodded.

He hesitated and said, “Your chair will be waiting for you when you return. I know, however, that is not half of the reason for why you are pushing yourself so hard.”

Chakotay could always see right through her and it could be downright annoying. She decided to feign ignorance even though he probably wouldn’t buy it.

Kathryn looked up and plainly said, “I just need to get out of here. You know these biobeds are.”

Chakotay furrowed his brows and said, “You know what I mean, Kathryn. You’re trying to ignore the fact that you won’t be able to have children and the effect is having a toll on you.”

The arrow hit the bulls-eye in her chest and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Not one to mince words, are we?" She was just barely able to mutter.

Chakotay gave her what seemed like a pitying look.

When she didn't say anything he said, “Talk to me, Kathryn. You can always talk to me.”

"I...can...I know. But I can't. Not now."

"Yes, you can. Right here. Right now. I don't think the conversation will change, will it? Come on, Kathryn."

She managed to overcome the lump in her throat and said, “You know that someday I wished to have a child. I knew I was getting older but at least I always had the possibility.. Until now. I can’t.... I can’t even form embryos. It is not just that I do not have and cannot produce eggs anymore...our medical technology has been able to stimulate new ones. My reproductive system is completely destroyed. It’s not like I cannot just bear a child. I cannot even form one, have one. Not even invitro for me or anyone else. I-”

A tear fell down against her defenses as her voice changed into a strained pitch. Chakotay squeezed her hand.

“I... feel incomplete, like I’m missing an ear. I cannot see it... but I know it’s not there.”

It’s all starting to pour out and she cannot stop it. It’s becoming harder to continue. Chakotay’s face had dropped in sympathy. 

“It's also...it’s unfair to anyone who would consider me to be my future partner. It would be unfair if they wanted children of their own and decided to stay with me, knowing that they couldn’t have their own flesh and blood...and later realize their mistake and regret it...and leave.”

Now she was truly sobbing as she felt the tears trickle down past her cheeks towards her hairline and onto the pillows. Chakotay wiped her tears and stroked her head until she calmed down.

“Listen to me, Kathryn. A man would have to be an ass to do that if he knew he couldn't handle it. If he’s the right man he won’t care about that once he has you. You are beautiful, funny, and intelligent. He will accept the situation and still know that he’d rather not be with anyone else or could be with anyone else.”

He kissed the top of her forehead and said, “I know that’s what I think.”

Kathryn looked at his chocolate brown eyes which had also become glassy. Her heart skipped a beat when she fully took in all of his words. By the time she wrapped her head around his words and could respond, Chakotay said, “Get some rest. Sleep well, Kathryn.”

With a hand squeeze, he walked towards sickbay’s doors.

…

“What else could it mean?”

Tom and B’Elanna were playing racquetball in the holodeck.

“They aren’t together, Tom.”

She whacked the ball with her racket.

“Yeah, but a kiss on the forehead?”

**Whack!**

“It’s a sympathetic gesture.” She shrugged.

**Whack!**

“Come on, B’Elanna. Would you kiss Harry on the forehead if he was on the biobed?”

**Whack!**

B’Elanna said, “No, I don't believe so.”

**Whack!**

“See? See what I’m saying? It’s intimate.”

**Whack!**

“There must be something between the two of them. I mean...”

**Whack!**

“Why else did he clear the room?” Tom said.

**Whack!**

“It was probably-”

**Whack!**

“Something that he didn’t expect anyone to see. It-”

**Whack!**

“-was private. You don’t know the circumstance and you shouldn’t have been watching,” she said.

He said, “Probably, but-”

**Whack!**

“-how else would have I known when they were done?”

“She would-”

**Whack!**

“Have told you. You are such an idiot and a voyeur.”

**Whack!**

Tom missed the ball at his failed lunge. The holodeck chirped, ‘End of round 1.’

B‘Elanna walked over to him as he sat on the floor. With a feigned sadness at the first win, she leaned down and said, “Perhaps you need a sympathy kiss, flyboy.”


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn was so relieved when she was back in her quarters that night. She was so sick of sickbay. Yes, sick of sickbay. The first thing she wanted to do was clean up. She was in crutches and she laid them on the bed as she pulled the medical garb off her head. Her recovery was taking longer than expected and she threatened to deactivate the Doctor's program and reprogram him as a marionette if he didn't let her go.

She had to sit down on the bed to slowly move her underwear off, which took longer than expected. She grabbed her crutches again and made her way to the refresher. She looked at the tub and then at the sonic shower. Her face fell. She really wanted a bath but there was no way she could get in our out without help. Kathryn started to pout like a six year-old who found out there was no more ice cream for dessert. 

She reluctantly made her way to the sonic shower and turned it on with a large sigh. She stepped in with the crutches and felt the pulses. She felt them a little too much as the sonic vibrations were affecting the aluminum crutches. Kathryn realized the vibrations were causing the crutches to move on the floor. The pressure or vibrations became too much for her body. She tried to readjust but she either tripped over herself or lost balance as she rotated the crutches and fell down. 

She screamed and writhed in the refresher. Then she started to cry about it all.

Not a minute later, she heard, "Kathryn? Kathryn? I heard a scream. Are you alright?"

She was still shaken and meekly said, "No, I fell in the shower."

"Where's your robe?"

"Top drawer to the left."

"Okay, I've got it. I'll try not to look. Just a quick glance to see where you, are, okay?"

He held the pink robe in his hands in front of him and quickly glanced and shut his eyes as he placed it over her.

"You can look now," she said.

He turned off the sonic shower and said, "Where are you hurt?" He kneeled down and placed a hand on her cheek as he scanned her head first.

"My head is fine. It's the usual areas. I think I also hit my knee on the wall."

"We're getting you to sickbay."

"No, please, Chakotay. I can't go back. Don't make me go back there. Please, I'm begging you."

Chakotay looked down into her eyes as he heard her pleas. She looked truly frightened to go back there.

"Okay. But the Doctor will make a house call if I say so."

"Okay," she said softly.

He helped her slowly sit up and as carefully as he could, he pulled her her up by propping her up under her arms. 

"Put your arms around my neck."

She did so and he picked her up. Kathryn felt weightless as he walked over the bed and gently laid her down. Chakotay even covered her up with her robe because it had exposed her a little when he put her down. He thought he caught her blush. Afterwards, he retrieved the crutches and out them beside her bed.

"On a scale from one to ten, how much does it hurt?"

"Uhh," she said.

He saw the too much hesitation in the answer and didn't waste a second. 

"Commander Chakotay to the Doctor."

She frowned.

'Yes, commander.'

"I need you to make a house call to the captain's quarters. She had a fall."

'On my way.'

The Doctor was there in a matter of seconds with his medkit.

"Over here, Doctor," Chakotay said.

He walked over and started scanning. "What happened, captain?"

She said, "I tried to take a sonic shower. While it was running, the frequencies matched those of the crutches and they started to vibrate and move in the shower. The sonic frequencies also felt uncomfortable on my injuries. I moved just a little to readjust myself and I fell."

"Well, it looks like you're lucky. There aren't really any new injuries. Just some bruises except for more inflammation in your recent areas."

He used a dermal regenerator on her knee and elbows and gave her an analgesic. 

"Doctor, we're going to have to figure out a better way for her to bathe."

Kathryn felt her cheeks grow warmer. Was it the way he said it? The choice of words? That she was naked in a robe while he said it? That she felt helpless? Maybe all of those things.

"We could put a seat in the sonic shower. "

"But it's been putting pressure on her body."

"So then the bathtub."

"We could put a new one in with a door."

Kathryn grabbed a nearby pillow and whacked them both and yelled, "Get out! Both of you!"

They stopped and looked quite stunned and confused as they wondered what they did. 

"Kathryn?"

"Leave!"

"Okay," Chakotay said and they left.

When the door closed behind them, he asked, "Do you know what that was all about?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," replied the Doctor.

...

Although she knew they didn't intend to, Kathryn felt like they were talking about her as if she wasn't there. It reminded her of her helplessness and weakness in the situation. Any changes would be a waste of resources and crew time. She could just resort to sponge baths. No, she couldn't. She growled in frustration and decided to put her nightgown on. Kathryn looked for her combadge, which she left on her night stand, and put it on after she put her robe back on. She grabbed the crutches and made her way to the couch.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

'Yes, captain.'

"Can you come back here, please?"

'I'll be right there.'

The door chimed and she let him in. Kathryn patted to a seat on the couch and he sat down.

"I shouldn't have kicked you out. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. You were upset."

"I just felt helpless and out of control. Then the both of you stares talking about the refresher situation..."

"And you felt even more out of the loop. Sorry, Kathryn. We were just bouncing off ideas."

"I know... and it is something that does need to be dealt with. Sponge baths every day for another week or so doesn't sound very appealing."

"Did you have anything in mind?"

"That door bath idea sounds nice but..."

"But what?"

"I don't want to use our resources."

Chakotay gave her a look and said, "Forget about that. This is something you need, okay? I'm head of personnel and I say it's fine."

He gave a small smile.

She looked stubbornly at him and said, "Ok, Mr. Personnel."

Chakotay smiled and said, "So we're talking about a seat...bubble jets...a shower head attachment..."

Kathryn laughed for the first time since the accident.

...

The next day, some crewman went right to work on the tub. Kathryn tried to read some reports but she couldn't focus. She rolled her eyes and picked up her crutches.

...

Chakotay stopped by after lunch to check on the work and Kathryn. He went in and saw the crewman working.

"Do you know where the captain went?'

"She's not here? No, sir," one of them said.

Chakotay had the computer locate her and shook his head.

...

The ready room was just as she left it but with a few more PADDs on her desk. She snuck in through the hallway entrance and sat down at her desk. She looked over the PADDs on the desk and the one she brought with her.

The door opened and she expected to see Tuvok or Chakotay in front of her and about to tell her she can't be there. She looked up and saw Seven, who was just as surprised.

"Seven," she said.

"Captain," she replied.

"Well?"

"I came to tell Commander Chakotay that the Sacagawea and the Delta Flyer have been repaired."

"That was very fast," Kathryn said.

"In addition to Ensign Vorik, Lieutenant Torres and Paris also worked on it. Apparently, Paris was afraid we were, in his words, 'messing with his baby'."

Kathryn gave her a hard look and then looked to the side towards the viewport. She felt a mix boiling rage and melancholy emerge.

"I'm apologize, captain, for the choice of words. I did not mean to bring it up."

She closed her eyes and said, "You know, don't you?"

Seven said, "Yes."

Kathryn gave a nod and grabbed her crutches into her hands.

"You are angry," Seven said.

Chakotay walked in just just as Kathryn picked both crushes and pounded them loudly onto the deck in response, still not looking at her.

He knew he walked into a situation that may be explosive at any moment.

"Seven, why are you here?" He asked.

"Work on the shuttles have been completed. I need a new assignment."

Kathryn stood up and walked out the door towards the hallway.

"You are going to scrub the plasma conduits. When you are done with that, you will take inventory of both all cargo bays."

"The captain knows that I know about her situation."

"Oh," he put his hands on his hips.

"I want to help," she said genuinely.

Chakotay sighed and said, "Seven, for now, the only way you can help is to stay out of her way."


	7. Chapter 7

Kathryn threw stone after stone into the small lake from the bank. First, she was throwing some of the lighter ones and trying to skip them. Then she liked the plopping sounds of the heavier stones and continued with them.

Seven said she was angry. She was. Mostly because Kathryn thought she had already moved past it, when she obviously had not.

She heard the holodeck doors open. Obviously her lockout code was overridden.

"I believe you are supposed to skip the stones across the water, captain."

Without changing her posture she said, "I'm not skipping them anymore, Tuvok. Did Chakotay send you to check on me?"

"Actually, I talked to Seven in the hall. She was concerned. Also, yes, the commander as well."

She continued to throw rocks and he sat down next to her.

He said, "You need to talk about it."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then it appears you'd rather listen to Vulcan poetry."

"You _wouldn't_ ," she said. 

"Try me," he coolly said.

"Vulcans," she swore as she threw a heavier stone.

"Yes."

"My reproductive system is ruined because of the accident."

"You cannot have children?"

"No."

After a brief silence he said, "I have plenty enough for the both of us."

"Were you trying to make a joke, Tuvok?" She threw another stone into the lake.

"Perhaps," he said and handed her another rock.

She gave a smirk and took the rock and threw it in.

They sat in silence until finally she couldn't take it anymore.

"Say something, Tuvok."

"What would you like me to say?"

"Anything."

"You could adopt if you wanted to. Blood does not always indicate family."

"I know."

"Perhaps there are exceptions to genetic manipulation."

"What?" She held onto the next rock he gave her and looked at him.

"Perhaps there are exceptions to genetic manipulation for those who cannot conceive*."

"Do you mean taking someone else's egg, genetically changing it with my DNA and of another? A 'test tube' embryo?"

"Yes. Then in vitro fertilization, obviously. I am sure growing a 'test tube' baby would still be frowned upon and illegal."

"Even if that were possible, which, according to our laws, is not, I couldn't have someone go through nine months of turmoil for me. Not even my sister."

"We are not in the Alpha Quadrant. "

"Are you suggesting...? Tuvok, you're such a stickler for laws. I'm shocked."

"If you recall my words, I did not say to do any illegal activities."

"Tuvok. The Delta Quadrant is the problem. Not the Alpha Quadrant."

'I could illegally try in the Delta Quadrant, with a partner, where I don't want to try to have a baby then go to prison, possibly, if we get back and Starfleet finds out. Or, I couldn't be able to try it at all. Yet, I could have a partner in the Alpha Quadrant free of command restrictions,' she thought, 'I'm damned either way.'

"Are you saying you want children in the Delta Quadrant?"

"No, I don't mean that...You know that...I can't do...Shit, Tuvok! You're twisting and turning everything on it's head!" She yelled out and hurled the largest stone she could into the water and stormed out of the holodeck.

...

Kathryn was running out of hiding spots. Her quarters probably were still under repairs. Then, she thought of a good spot. At least she didn't have to crawl to get to it. And it was quiet. She stuck her combadge in a weapons closet on her way there.

When Kathryn made it to deck fifteen, she didn't run into Crewman Mitchell this time. She saw Crewman Harren in junction room sixteen.

"Captain! You're not here to put me on another away mission, are you?"

"Noo...You can see that I'm off duty, in any case."

"Oh, yes," he said and noticed she was in a dress and not a uniform. "So what are you doing here?"

"This is one of the quietest places on the ship. Do you mind if I just hang out here for awhile? I won't bug you with whatever you're doing."

"Sure, I guess. It's your ship," he said with uncertainty and turned back to his theories. 

She put her crutches against the wall and slowly sat upon one of the steps. Kathryn looked at the blue light in the junction room.

She thought, 'Tuvok. I don't need impossible solutions. It's not like I am or was ready, anyways. I need to let it go. I'm trying to let it go. Don't give me an impossible hope. I can't do anything about it.'

Crewman Harren continued reading over his calculations and then felt uncomfortable. The captain wasn't even discussing about disproving Schlezholt's theory with him. She was very quiet.

"Can I help you with anything, captain?"

"No," she said.

He went to his work but was starting to be paranoid and looked back at her, still looking at the light.

"Are you sure?"

Without moving her head from the light, she asked, "Am I making you uncomfortable, crewman?"

"No," he said, "It's just that it's unusual for you to be here, captain."

"I understand. I just needed some peace and quiet. I needed to think. I'm sure you, of all people, can understand that."

He opened his mouth and then closed it with a nod she couldn't see. "I understand."

"Thank you."

...

'Doctor to Commander Chakotay.'

"Chakotay here."

'The captain is late for her appointment and she isn't responding to her combadge. It told me she was in weapons locker twenty-five.'

Chakotay stepped away from the bridge to the ready room and said, "I don't think she doesn't want to be found, Doctor. She's been...avoidant today with everyone, it seems. The captain even got angry with Tuvok and stormed out on him, apparently."

'I see. Perhaps an intervention in sickbay is needed. But first, we need the captain.'

"We'll find her and bring her to sickbay."

'Very well. Doctor out.'

Her life signs were found on deck fifteen. He left the ready room and said, "Tom, you have the bridge," and nodded for Tuvok to come with him into the turbolift.

Once the turbolift started, he said, "Captain Janeway is late for an appointment with the doctor. She's on deck fifteen but her badge is in weapons locker twenty-five. You're coming with me.'

He gave a nod.

Chakotay asked, "What did you say to her before she ran out on you?"

"I made suggestions."

He frowned and said, "Suggestions? What kind of suggestions?"

"Suggestions about alternatives."

"Alternatives...Tuvok? Please tell me you're not talking about..."

"About what?"

Chakotay shook his head. "Well, she's definitely angry at you."

"Yes, she hurled an obscenity at me."

"She swore at you? Nice going, Tuvok."

...

They entered the junction room and found Captain Janeway with her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on top of her right hand as if she had been waiting for them.

"Well, Crewman Harren, thanks for the respit while it lasted. I must be late with the Doctor."

"Uh, you're welcome, captain," he said, obviously wondering why so many bridge officers were in his hole in the lower decks.

They helped her up and handed her the crutches and they walked back to the turbolift. They rode in awkward silence. 

...

"Ah, you've found Carmen Sandiego," the Doctor said.

All three looked at him in confusion.

"Mr. Paris' program...it's a person who was was always missing or on the run in a twentieth century program of his."

The captain turned towards the two men near her and said, "Thanks for the escort but I think the Doctor can handle it from here," she said, trying to dismiss them.

However, they didn't budge. 

The Doctor said, "The program has been changed, captain."

"Is there a new mutiny I don't know about?" She spat.

"This therapy isn't physical, captain."

She glared at him.

"You can threaten me all you want," the Doctor said, "It may prove useful."

Kathryn grunted in frustration.

"Why did you go to the ready room?" Chakotay said.

"I couldn't read books or reports while they were working in the refresher. I needed somewhere quiet."

"That was, until Seven came in, huh? She told me what she said before I came in," Chakotay said. "It was a poor choice of words, I agree, to explain what Tom said about working on the Delta Flyer. But you know that's what he would have said."

"I know," she said.

"It's understandable to still be angry at her."

"I'm not angry at Seven. But I'm...not _not_ angry at Seven."

"I am glad we have that all cleared up," said a sarcastic Doctor.

"Explain," Tuvok said.

Kathryn sighed and said, "I was fine. I was. Then she came through the door and I was reminded. I felt sad. Angry. Confused. Then she said it and it made it all worse."

"What did she say?" The Doctor asked.

She clenched her jaw and said, "She talked about how Mr. Paris referred to the Delta Flyer as his baby when explaining why the repairs were done so quickly and why he helped."

"Oh," he said.

Tuvok said, "So, Seven both represented and expressed what you thought you had suppressed or had gotten over."

"Yes. It was like it was the beginning all over again. I tried to understand it afterwards."

"Then I came into the holodeck.'

"I just needed some alone time. I needed to process. Then you talked about genetics, Tuvok. I didn't need that. I don't need that now. There was a lock in the holodeck for a reason! You couldn't give me some privacy for one _**damn**_ second. All of you! I had to resort to deck fifteen to find a little peace that Harren could allow me. If I asked to be alone you all would be concerned. If I didn't, you'd still be concerned. I know you are all concerned but _you're_ all part of the problem. You're making it worse! You're not even _looking_ at me the same way since the accident!" She practically screamed at them.

The Doctor said, "Captain, you-"

"No! I don't need a sedative! **Shut. Up!** That won't solve a goddamn thing! It just shuts me up so _you_ don't have to worry."

Kathryn couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth but it was the truth. She knew what she was saying. Her face felt hot and she was huffing.

"Captain Janeway, you are hereby officially declared medically mentally unfit for duty."

She didn't see the invisible slap coming at her. If it wasn't for her adrenaline it would've hurt more than it already did.

"So it's sedative or duty now? How nice of you, Doctor. You can go to hell. Or, in your case, get yourself deleted."

Tuvok started to move towards her.

"Don't you dare think about giving me a Vulcan neck pinch! I'll whack you with my crutch if if have to," she threatened.

She felt arms quickly surround her waist and squirmed when Chakotay said, "How about a hug, instead?"

Kathryn stopped and bit her lip as anger turned into tears and she drooped her head down.

"The repairs on the tub are done as well," he said and walked around to face her and walked slowly as he took her again into his arms. 

Her head buried into Chakotay's chest and she cried out like a wounded animal. Her sobs quickly became gasps and coughs on her own tears. Kathryn's grips slipped from the crutches and she leaned into him as they fell away. 

'Why is this happening? she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *If you have seen DS9 (Meh. 🤫) they talk a whole lot more about illegal genetic engineering/manipulation because of WWIII (because of Khan). 
> 
> So, even though Tuvok and Kathryn aren't talking about cloning or genetic enhancement of a species, for the sake of the story, I am suggesting that it's illegal to genetically manipulate humanoids (even if canon says otherwise somewhere else). I'm not an expert. LOL. Thanks for listening to my Voyager story TED Talk. 🙃


	8. Chapter 8

They transported her to her quarters. Since Chakotay was the one who had been able to calm Kathryn down from her raging tirade, he accompanied her.

She still held onto him as he held the crutches.

"Do you want to go to the couch?"

She shook her head and looked.

"The chair?"

She nodded.

He walked her over to the chair.

"Want a water?"

She shook her head.

"Coffee?"

She miraculously shook her head.

"Tea?"

She nodded.

"Herbal?"

She nodded and whispered, "Mixed blend. With honey."

He went to the replicator and brought her back her tea.

Kathryn's hands shook with both hands and she dropped the teacup once she took hold of it and it shattered onto the floor. A shaky hand ran into her hair.

"It's okay, I'll take care of it," he said and took the shards to the recycler and brought over a new teacup. He brought it over and she shook her head so he set it on the small table next to her.

"Can I get you something else?"

She whispered, "The two pillows and my blanket from the couch."

He retrieved them and brought them over to her. Chakotay draped the blanket over her and handed her the pillows, one she put behind her and the other she just hugged onto.

"Anything else, Kathryn?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want me to leave?"  
She shook her head.

"You want me to stay?"  
She also shook her head.

"You're not sure?"

She nodded.

"How about I stay and then if you need me to leave you just tell me goodnight?"

She nodded.

Chakotay noticed a book on the couch and picked it up before sitting down.

"Do you want your book?"

She shook her head and mumbled, "Tired."

"Would you like me to read it?"

She gave a nod and he went to the book and started to read out loud. 

Kathryn adjusted herself on the chair next to the couch so that she rested comfortably with the pillow at her lower back. The other pillow she cradled in her arms and under her head.

His voice was smooth and warm. She closed her eyes listening to the words and felt her head and mind grow heavy. 

Chakotay watched her fall asleep and saw an extremely vulnerable Kathryn. He set the bookmark and closed the book. After placing it on the table, she took the untouched cup of cold tea to the recycler.

He walked over to the chair, readjusted her blanket to cover her, stroked her hair away from her face, and left her quarters.

...

Kathryn woke up stiffly and with crusty eyes. She wiped the dust from her eyes and stretched out her arms. She must have fallen asleep while Chakotay was reading last night. After she slowly untangled herself from the chair she used her crutches to go to her bedroom. She pulled out some fresh clothes and made her way to her new tub. Although Chakotay had joked about bells and whistles it appeared that it was all serious. 

The bath had a door, a cushioned angled seat that let her lay down at waist-height, handles, jets, a shower head attachment, even a cushioned headrest.

She bit her lip at what she felt like was excessive extravagance. At the same time she was very grateful for it. She placed her new clothes on a nearby hook. Kathryn sat in the tub and propped the crutches beside it. The dress and underwear were stripped off and tossed aside. She locked the tub door and turned the faucet on. The tub filled quickly with warm water and bubbles she had poured in. It was shut off and then she decided to try the jets. 

'Ohhh,' she thought. She decided to wash herself before she forgot to with the warmth of the water. She dipped her hair and face under the water and washed her hair before she continued with the rest of her body. Then she let herself rest and absorb the warm water and jets that loosened her sores. Kathryn eventually turned off the jets and just listened to her breathing and felt her heartbeat move the water.

Her mind relapsed to yesterday. She has only thought of very few times where she had ever been close to being that angry. But she was absolutely livid yesterday and she would have never had said those words aloud, nevertheless screamed them at her officers. Maybe in her mind, but not aloud. She had absolutely lost it yesterday. 

'The Doctor was right to do what he did if it was truly as bad or worse than I remember,' she sighed to herself.

The water felt so nice and she looked down as it moved over her body. There. What was there below her belly button? A façade of something that no longer had any real purpose? The semblance of a whole woman?

She closed her eyes and let the warmth envelop her.

...

There seemed to be a whispered buzz among the crew several days later. There seemed to be a restlessness floating around. 

Technically, Chakotay was captain after the Doctor's proclamation but he had no intention of changing anything on the ship. He pretended he was still acting captain due to her injuries. But the fact was, she hardly spoke to anyone and did not leave her quarters since the outburst in sickbay.

Chakotay was eating lunch in the mess hall when Neelix stopped by his table.

"Commander, may I?" He said as he gestured toward the seat in front of him.

"Yes, go right on ahead."

Neelix sat down and said, "Have you talked to the captain lately?"

"Yes, yesterday."

Neelix fumbled with his hands and said, "I talked to her this morning and she was very...quiet. Withdrawn. Her mind seemed to be lost on something. I brought the latest communication from Earth, which was from her mother, and she didn't even look at it. She asked me to put it on the table.

Commander, why would she not be interested in the letter? She's always looked forward to them before. She just looked so...pale and quiet."

"The captain is dealing with something very personal, Neelix."

"The crew have been asking and wondering about Captain Janeway, too. It has been said she even sat on deck fifteen for no reason at all. There have been rumors she contracted a disease, or worse. Naomi told me that the captain hasn't scheduled a game with her yet."

"I understand their concerns, Neelix."

"As morale officer, it's my responsibility to improve the visible damper of morale lately."

"I'll see what I can do, Neelix. But I'm telling you, this is a personal matter."

He nodded.

Chakotay said, "Actually, I think I have an idea."

..

Chakotay chimed on her door and it opened.

He found her with a hand braced upon a bulkhead and her crutches a meter away. She was slowly making her way along it, obviously trying to walk without the crutches.

He went close enough so he could catch her if necessary but far away enough that he wouldn't be in the way.

"Looks like progress," he said.

"Some progress," she sarcastically mumbled as she continued very slowly against the wall.

The Doctor had continued physical therapy with the captain but he's reported she hasn't hardly said more than a word to him. She's talked to Chakotay, but it's varied from just a few words to strands of single sentences.

Chakotay observed that her body was shaking as she walked step-by-step. He was afraid if he started a conversation she would lose her focus.

She walked back to her crutches and when she braced herself on the crutches she let out a sigh.

"Neelix said the crew has been worried about you and that you haven't scheduled a Kadis-Kot game with Naomi yet."

"Okay."

"Is that it? Okay?"

"Okay, captain."

"You're the captain, Kathryn."

"No."

"'No?' Just, 'no'?"

She glared.

"I know what the Doctor said. But although you were angry, you were right and it was understandable. You didn't get privacy. It would've helped if you explained and told us earlier, but you didn't and we didn't. So, as far as I'm concerned, you're still captain and I believe Tuvok feels the same way."

She shrugged. 

He looked over to the PADD on the table. 

'That must be the one from her mother,' he thought.

"Is that the letter you received from the last transmission?"

"Yes."

"Who's it from?"

"My mother."

"Good news?"

She shrugged again and went to the couch, where she sat down and drank from the coffee she had on the table.

"You haven't read it?"

She shook her head.

"Why not?"

She shook her head.

"Have you forgotten that we've gone through years of no contact with Earth? Now, even though we're limited in responses and response time, we're lucky enough to send letters."

Kathryn looked down.

Taming his rising frustration, he said, "So, explain it to me. Enough with the few words and sentences. I'm trying to understand it. At this point, I think Tamarians speak more than you do but at least they have an excuse. Cut the crap."

"I know what's in the letter."

"You read it?"

"No."

He looked confused.

"Because of what was in the last letter."

"It was bad?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"The situation has changed."

"You mean your situation?"

"Yeah."

"I still don't understand."

She grabbed another PADD she had, pressed some buttons, and handed it to him to read.

The letter was casual. Nothing stuck out until...

_"...You know, our neighbor's, the Jacobson's and their son, Frank? Remember him? He and his wife will have their baby any day now. I'll let you know if it's a boy or girl and the name next time..."_

While he was reading silently it to himself, she went over to the table and handed the recent letter to him.

Chakotay shook his head. "Kathryn, this is a personal letter to you that you haven't read. There maybe something you don't want me to read."

She sat back down and said, "Read it aloud."

He started after she gave a nod. Then...

_"...Frank and his wife had a little girl, Emma. Oh, she's a cutie. I can't wait until you have your own children, Katie. You'll make a wonderful mother. I know if won't be with Mark but I'm sure you'll find someone. I promise..."_

Her hands were covering her face while resting on her knees.

"Oh, gods, Kathryn. You can't catch a break, can you?"

He sat down next to her.

"Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what you're feeling."

"Disappointment."

He sighed. Disappointment in herself and that she could'nt give her mother that wish.

"Do you feel like you're letting her down?"

She nodded.

With her hands still on her face she mumbled, "How am I supposed to answer that letter? How can I? How can I tell her that she won't ever...and that I'm... I'm declared unfit...mentally unfit..."

"Look at me."

"No."

He pulled her hands from her face and noticed her eyes were still closed and her face was wet. Kathryn's face was scrunched up.

Softer, he said, "Kathryn, look at me."

She gradually opened her eyes.

"You don't have to tell her yet. Eventually, you will. You can address the rest of the letter and say congratulations to them. You have control of the narrative. You have control."

"I don't have control. I've lost control! My life. My command. Even my bowel movements! I...can't even wear pants yet! God, why am I even telling you all this?" She looked down towards the side and shook her head.

"I shouldn't be telling you this. You don't want to hear about those sort of things."

He still held her hands and stroked his thumbs stroked the back of his hands.

"You're telling me because I'm your friend and you are hurting deeply inside. Of course I want to hear about, 'those things'. They matter to you so they matter to me."

"They shouldn't."

"They do."

She sighed.

"Come with me."

She finally looked back to him. 

"Where?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yesss," she said with suspicion.

"Go ahead and freshen up. We're going out. You have ten minutes."

She opened her mouth as he stood up.

"Don't make it nine," with lifted eyebrows and a pinch of a smile before he left. 


	9. Chapter 9

Kathryn wondered what his plans were but knew he'd be back soon. She washed her face and actually put makeup in the first time in a long time.

'God, I look pale and my eyes are dark," she thought.

She brushed her hair and before she knew it the ten minutes were up.

"You ready?" He said as he came in.

"Yes."

'But I'm not quite sure for what,' she thought.

He offered his arm to her and she said, "Chakotay, I can't with these," she said, referring to the crutches.

Chakotay casually said, "Leave a crutch here, then."

Kathryn felt uncertain.

"You were working on walking earlier."

"It'll feel awkward and uneven," she said.

"It'll work."

She pursed her lips then leaned one crutches on her desk. She took his arm and walked out with a crutch on her right arm.

They walked slowly and halfway to the turbolift she said, "I should've brought the other. We'd be walking faster."

"There's no need to rush."

Before they made it to the turbolift she said, "This was a mistake. I shouldn't-"

"You've been holed up like a hibernating bear. If you go back to your quarters, you'll have to do it on your own with one crutch."

"So that's why you had me leave a crutch behind. Very conniving of you," she said with a saucy look.

He shook his head and they entered the turbolift.

"Deck six."

'The holodeck,' she thought.

Kathryn didn't say anything as they started to go down.

"I'm surprised you haven't ask where we're going or what we're doing," Chakotay stated.

She shrugged and they continued the decent in silence.

When they left the turbolift, they saw a number of crewman walking towards the holodeck.

Kathryn got many greetings about how nice it was to see her about and so forth. She felt gratified but guilty at the same time. She felt like she couldn't tell them why she wasn't around. 

They went into the holodeck and she looked at the scene.

The holodeck was covered in a grassy field with an gradual angled hill to serve as a natural amphitheater. Front and center was a stage before an orange-sunset sky.

"A performance?" She asked.

"Shakespeare in the park."

Her eyes lit up and she said, "Really?"

"Yes."

"Which play?"

"Actually, I don't know. The crew voted and the one that won is going to be played."

"I didn't know about this."

"That's because you were in your cave of a quarters."

They walked along and she said, "Where should we sit?"

There were blankets, folding chairs, stadium style seats...

"How about over there?"

There were some low-lying cushioned chairs and a low table on next to the chairs.

Chakotay helped her get settled and sat down in the other chair.

He asked, "Is it comfortable enough?"

"Yes, thank you. "

Neelix came by with two plates of food and set them of the table.

"Hello, captain! I'm glad to see you made it. It's nice to see you."

"Thanks, Neelix. What's all of this about?" She asked and looked at the table and plates. 

"I hope you don't mind. I guessed you have eaten dinner yet and I know how much you like pasta," Chakotay said.

"No, it's fine. I haven't eaten yet and the smell of it is making my stomach growl."

They chuckled and Neelix said, "I'll be back."

"You planned all of this, didn't you?" She leaned towards his chair.

Chakotay feigned ignorance with a coy smile, "Who, me?"

Kathryn gave a slight smirk.

Neelix came back with utensils, napkins, glasses, and an opened wine bottle.

"Fancy picnic," she said. "When does the play start?"

Neelix said, "When the sun goes down in about fifteen minutes. If you want popcorn or snacks later during the play, there is a table whenever you want them."

"Thanks," they both said.

"It's been awhile since I watched a play that wasn't a Doctor's opera or a Talent Night skit," she said before digging her fork into the food as he poured the wine.

"No kidding," he said. "No offense to the Doctor but opera is not my thing."

"I can only take it in certain doses," she replied, "Klingon opera even less."

He chuckled and started to eat as well.

Kathryn realized that today was a day she'd normally be eating dinner with Chakotay and discussing ship's business. But, tonight...it felt more like a date, even with the crew around. Some were in uniform and some were not. Chakotay wasn't in uniform but in a charcoal tunic.

"Is there something wrong with the food?" He asked, noticing a change in her demeanor.

"No, it's delicious."

"Then?" He looked at her, with curiosity.

"I was just thinking of Shakespeare's plays and which one was chosen; if it was a comedy or a tragedy," she lied.

"Ah, well, we'll see soon enough."

...

It was a comedy. It wasn't a surprise to him because the only options the crew were given were comedies; no tragedies. Chakotay watched as Kathryn as she became more relaxed and even laughed during the play.

It was doing just as he hoped it would. Chakotay had hoped to break her out of her melancholic shell, if at least, for awhile.

They clapped at the end of the play.

"How'd you like it?"

"I enjoyed it very much."

"Good," he said.

They talked about the play for awhile and how maybe they could do plays with actual crewmembers in the future.

Chakotay stood up, walking around to give her his hands to help her up. Their chairs were on a slightly incline so it would be easier foe her to get up than of they were on the flat grass.

She took his hands and she lifted herself up. The equilibrium was off-balance and she ended up crashing into his chest.

"Ah!"

Chakotay asked, "Are you okay?"

She chuckled and said, "I'm alright."

Kathryn had a glimpse at his elongated neck revealed by his v-neck tunic before she backed away. He bent down to get the crutch and brought it up to her as he watched him and his tunic.

She took the crutch and he let out his arm once again. Kathryn took his arm and they made their way out of the holodeck.

He decided it was safe to move on to a more serious conversation and said, "You haven't talked to the Doctor much."

"No."

"You know he's not happy about how everything went down, either. Even he admits he went overboard."

"I guess."

"You need talk to him."

She groaned.

"Talk to him like you talk to me."

"I can't," she said as they entered the turbolift, "Deck three."

"Halt lift," he said. "Why not?" He turned towards her with her hand still on his arm.

"I can't," she said. "The Doctor...doesn't understand. He can't understand. But you...you're different."

He lifted an eyebrow and said, "How so?"

"You listen."

"And he doesn't?'

"He's...he cannot really comfort. For example, he'll say stale phrases like, "It'll get better," or "You're not the only one in the universe with this problem", or try to suggest alternatives. He even states that some of my physical pain is now psycho somatic because it's taking too long to heal. While that part may be true, I admit, all of it's...just...."

"Demeaning to to the point of being almost unsympathetic?"

"Exactly. It just makes me feel so angry and I hate that."

"So you avoid conversation with the Doctor to avoid it from happening."

"Yes," Kathryn nodded.

"You should tell him exactly like you did right now. He probably isn't aware of how it's being portrayed. He's probably following the best programming he knows on how to support you and there may not be much information available to him on dealing with that certain topic."

"You're right," she sighed.

"I will be there if you need me to be there."

'I always want you there,' she thought.

His eyes crinkled and she wondered if she said it aloud. Kathryn had felt her lips stop moving and she knew she did. 

"Okay," he smiled lovingly and she felt an invisible tug between them. She felt him place a warm hand on her cheek and she looked into his brown eyes. "Then I'll be there," he said. Their faces moved closer until their lips met in the middle. It was sweet, warm, and gentle. The wine still lingered on their breath and lips They gave each other three slow kisses before they both separated and she blushed slightly with a bitten lip.

He gave a chuckle and tugged an ear before saying, "Resume lift." Chakotay went back to standing beside her and they rode up without a word as their minds raced.

'Did that just really happen or am I losing my mind?' She thought, 'Did we both enter the kiss at the same time? Was it because of the romantic comedy we just watched? Was-'

"Kathryn, you're gripping my arm too tight. It's all fine as long as you're alright. Are you?"

She loosened her hand a little and realized that her hand had become very rigid on his arm. Then she gave a uncertain nod.

The turbolift doors opened and they walked to her quarters.

When they reached her quarters she said, "I...uhm. I don't know exactly what to say. Except for that I had a nice time."

'God, that made it sound even more like it was a date,' she thought.

"Me, too," he said, "Maybe we can do it again sometime."

She grew warm and before she could respond he said, "Goodnight, Kathryn. Sleep well."

"You too, Chakotay. Goodnight," she said before he went out the doors with a dimpled smile.


	10. Chapter 10

She couldn't stop thinking about it. Kathryn's head was wrapped around the kiss. They both didn't say it was a bad thing or a good thing. It felt good. But now their relationship has grown more complicated. Even on New Earth they never went that far even though they might have been close to at one point.

Did she feel emotionally vulnerable? Was it the play? The meal? The relaxation and temporarily forgetting her troubles?

Did he stop? Did she stop? Was it at the same time?

Her mind was riddled with questions of uncertainty.

...

Chakotay entered his quarters and thought about the kiss. She tasted sweet and was so tender. He hoped she didn't think he was being too forward. He hoped here didn't cause a serious breech by not stopping it at the beginning. He hoped she wouldn't see it as pity.

But, she didn't reject their kiss. She didn't mention protocol.

Maybe there was a chance.

...

The next morning, Kathryn seemed to return to a subdued and quiet state. He was worried that last night may have done nothing. However, Chakotay was there as she explained to the Doctor about his behavior towards her situation and he took it with grace.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. Now that you say the words, I realize how they sounded. I was talking about the issue without your input and I am a bit ashamed by that. I only meant to help, captain."

She nodded.

"You still haven't been sleeping well, I take it?"

"No, and I've...been having nightmares."

Chakotay and the Doctor both perked up at the same time.

"Nightmares? You told me you had trouble sleeping but you never mentioned nightmares. What about?" The Doctor asked.

Kathryn looked down.

"Everyone."

"The crew?"

"Yes, but everyone else I know, too."

"Are bad things happening to them or to you?'

"Either."

"What is happening in those dreams?"

"I...can't. I can't!" She said in distress and hobbled to his office chair desk and laid her head on her arms. Muffled cries were heard and they followed her in.

Chakotay placed a hand on her back and said, "Say it, Kathryn. You'll feel better. We're not here to judge."

"Everyone is either... making fun... of me...or is...disappointed at my situation. Or, I've...doomed others to the...same fate and they blame... me for it."

"It's not your fault, Kathryn. It was an accident. An unfortunate one but an accident."

"I know," she said.

Chakotay placed his knuckle face-down on the Doctor's desk. "I think you need to talk to Seven."

"What?" She said and wiped her eyes.

The Doctor said, "I think that is actually a good idea. You need to face this head-on. You'll have to still interact with her. It will probably help your nightmares."

"Okay."

The men were both surprised she relented so easily.

"Doctor to Seven," the Doctor said.

'Seven here.'

"Please report to sickbay."

'Yes, Doctor.'

"When she comes, I want it to just be the two of us,' she said.

"Are you sure?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes."

...

Seven came in and the Doctor said, "You and the captain need to talk. Reaactivate me when you're done."

Chakotay gave a nod and left sickbay and the Doctor deactivated himself.

Seven entered the office.

"You wished to see me?

"Yes, Seven."

Seven waited as Kathryn tried to uncomfortably shift into captain mode.

Kathryn said, "You may sit."

"I prefer to stand."

Kathryn squinted at her and said, "Have you ever thought about having children, Seven?"

"I have not... until recently."

"And?"

"I have not decided."

"That must be nice," Kathryn replied bitterly.

"Why is that so?"

"To have that choice. I don't have that luxury like you have anymore."

Seven clenched her jaw but remained silent.

Kathryn asked, "Why do you think it matters to a lot of women, and men, that they have children?"

"Procreation is for the purpose of repopulation."

"Well, yes, that's the biological purpose but what else?"

"I have heard it is pleasurable to engage in coitus."

"We're not talking about sex, Seven. People can enjoy that without having children."

Seven looked stumped for awhile and guessed again. "To pass down their knowledge; their experiences."

Kathryn shook her head and said, "But a teacher, mentor, or friend could also do that."

"It is seen as the completion of a family unit."

"Getting warmer," Kathryn hinted.

Seven was now without ideas.

"Love, Seven. Love for a child. Their love in return. Watching them grow out of the love for a husband or mate. It's not only a product of love, but it's an extension of love, lasting love."

Seven considered her words."I see."

"I've been so angry. I'm.." Kathryn sighed.

"Captain?"

"I'm not even that right now," she shook her head and said, "I'm trying to forgive you. I am. You asked for forgiveness. It will take some time but I am working on it. But the recklessness of your actions endangered every single person on this ship. I know that the crew has made their feelings known already."

Kathryn stood up and gradually made it to the side of the desk.

"This crew... right now, is all that _**I**_ have. It's all that _**we**_ have."

Seven looks down towards the desk.

"I don't hate you, Seven, although I'm sure you think I do. I don't think I ever could. But each time I see you... I'm reminded of what I can no longer have. I'm just angry at you. It's temporary and it will eventually subside. I need you to know that."

Seven nodded and said, "I understand."

"Tuvok and Chakotay tell me you've been working hard. I'll recommend that you have some astrometrics duties restored."

"Why recommend? You're the captain," she said, slightly confused.

"You may go, Seven."

Seven placed a hand on the hand Kathryn had used to brace herself on the desk and said, "Thank you. I am sorry for the pain I have cost you," before leaving.

Kathryn sighed and gave herself a moment to breathe. 

"Computer, activate the EMH."

The Doctor reappeared and said, "How did it go?"

"It was fine."

"Good. It looks like you're ready for some walking and stretching, I see," he said, noting the crutches behind the desk.

"Yes, but before we start physical therapy...can I look at my scans from after the surgery?"

"Sure. Are you looking for something in particular?"

"Not really, but I may have a few questions for you."


	11. Chapter 11

**That evening.**

"Thank you for the meditation session, Tuvok," Kathryn said as she slowly walked next to him without the crutches. In fact, she's been trying not to use them all day since that morning.

"You are welcome. It is good to see that you are feeling better."

"Yes, meeting with Seven and saying what I had to say to her and the Doctor helped. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Tuvok."

"I admit I was quite surprised when it happened. It is a thing of the past."

She placed a hand on his arm and said, "Thanks, old friend."

They walked into the mess hall and looked at the food options.

"Nice to see you out again, captain," Tom said next to Harry.

"Thanks, Mr. Paris."

"I'd be wary of that dish. It gave me a lot of heartburn yesterday," Harry said as he clutched his chest.

"Duly noted," Tuvok said.

Once they got to their table Kathryn and Tuvok ate and talked about ship's business.  
...

"How's the captain doing? She looked like she had a good time yesterday," B'Elanna asked as they switched topics after leaving engineering.

Chakotay said, "It looks like she's doing better but sometimes it's hard to tell if she's going to take one step forward and then three steps back. I've been following your advice. I think it's one of the only reasons why I haven't been pushed away like the others."

"Good. Hopefully the Doctor will clear her for duty sooner rather than later. I'm sure she hates not working.'

"I think her mind has been so preoccupied on the current situation before her that she hasn't thought much of it," Chakotay replied.

"I see," B'Elanna replied as they entered the mess hall. "Well, that looks promising," she said looking at Tuvok and Kathryn sitting at a table, engaged in conversation.

They gathered their trays and they joined Harry and Tom. Chakotay purposely sat down so he could also get a look at the other table. Tom was talking at the moment.

"...so anyway, he jumped up-"

"Tom, how many times do you have to tell that story today?" B'Elanna said.

Tom smiled and continued, "He jumped up so high I swear he was going to have to replace his underwear."

"Didn't I confiscate that air horn, lieutenant?" Chakotay said.

"Yes, but it was so worth it," Tom smiled.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes.

Later, as his table vacated and went their separate ways after eating, Chakotay noticed Kathryn stand up and walk towards his table.

"Hello," she said.

"Hello. Looks like we're walking on our own today?"

"Yes, like an old woman," she said and sat down.

He chuckled and she asked, “Has there been anything new on the bridge?”

“No, it’s been smooth sailing so far. There is a planet we may want to check out but it's at least a week away. Class-M as much as we can tell.”

“Aah. Hopefully it can be some use to us.”

“Yes. Neelix got all excited because he hasn't had any fresh new vegetables in awhile except from aeroponics. If we do find any I just hope it’s not leola root. It’s an obsession of his now.”

“You don’t like it?” she teased sarcastically.

“It’s like beans. They can taste good but you can get easily tired of it.”

“I know I’d certainly prefer your pasta over all of Neelix’s leola root recipes.”

"How did everything go today?"

"Good. It was good. I talked to Seven and Tuvok. I think we can give Seven limited access to astrometrics. Tuvok just did finished some meditation with me."

"Okay, I'll do it. You've forgiven Seven?"

"No, not yet. I told that I knew how hard she had been working. I just can't just yet but I told her I was trying."

Chakotay nodded and said, "Now that you've mentioned mediation, come to think of it, it's been awhile since you talked to your animal guide."

She smirked and said, "True. Are you offering?"

"The Akoonah is ready for you whenever you're ready."

"I'll think about it. Are you going to your quarters next?"

Surprised, he said, "We don't have to do the spirit animal walk right now."

"I wasn't. I was about to go to my quarters and I was wondering if you were heading in the same direction."

"Yes, I am. Would you like some company?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

They got up and recycled his tray before they walked out of the mess hall. They walked and he said, "It looks like you're feeling better after your conversations today."

"Yes, they have helped. The Doctor thinks that I can be back on duty in a week or so if I attend sessions with both he and Tuvok."

They entered the turbolift.

"Deck three. Well, that's good. The bridge is getting lonely without you at your chair."

"Paperwork getting to be too much, eh?" She joked. 

He said plainly, "I just miss you sitting next to me."

A rock lodged in her throat and she said, "Me, too."

She smiled and then thought about yesterday's incident in the turbolift and blushed.

"So, Tuvok told me you confiscated an air horn today?"

He chuckled and said, "Yes. Tom decided to prank Vorik in engineering. Apparently, he jumped straight up into the air although Vorik claimed it was an exaggeration."

"Hmmm. Sounds like things are a bit out of control," she jided.

"That's Tuvok's job."

"Mmm. Mr. Personnel is also responsible."

"Mr. Personnel has been a little preoccupied with other personnel matters," he hinted at her.

"Okay. You're off the hook...this time, Chakotay."

The doors opened and they stepped out onto the deck.

Kathryn said, “Naomi beat me at Kadis-Kot today.”

Chakotay raised his eyebrows in surprise that she played with her and that she lost as well. “She beat you or you let her win?”

“The games consisted of a mix of both. For the captain’s sake, she let me win one,” she said with a wink.

“She may need to give me some pointers if she beat you.”

She replied with, “Hah!”

Chakotay noticed she was walking slower than she was earlier.

"Are you alright?"

"I might have reached my walking limit today. I can feel my body becoming heavy and sluggish right now."

Chakotay offered his arm and she took it.

“Thanks. Have you been boxing a lot lately?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Your arms,” she said.

”Oh, yeah."

Chakotay thought about all the time he spent boxing out his frustrations and anger about the whole ordeal.

“You should teach me.”

“You want to learn how to box?” he asked incredulously.

“Sure.”

“Well...okay. Okay, I’ll teach you after you get back on duty.”  
She nodded.

“But that doesn’t mean you can rush doctor’s orders,” he added.

“Deal.”

They reached the door of her quarters and she pressed the door panel.

"Would you like some help inside?" He asked.

"I think I might be able to manage but...would you care to have a drink? I'm thinking coffee."

He smiled and said, "Sure."

They entered and he walked her to the couch and said, "I'll get the coffee."

He returned with the coffees and said, "Here you are."

"Thanks," she said and took the coffee. "I also never fully thanked you for the tub. It has helped tremendously with the pain and sores. I was also joking about the fancy stuff. You didn't need to add it.."

He sat down next to her and said, "You're welcome. I knew we were joking but I knew it would make you more comfortable."

They drank their coffee for awhile and looked at each other.

“Chakotay…when I said about how not being able to have children would be unfair to a future partner who wanted one...”

Her heart was leaping out of her mouth.

“...and you told me about what you thought...about how the right person wouldn't care about my situation...Have you thought about that kind of scenario before?”

Chakotay thought about how vague the question was. Was she asking if he thought that would happen if he found out someone he was interested in couldn’t have children? Or a relationship with her? Or a relationship with her in her current situation? They had not even discussed the kissed from last night.

Chakotay tugged his ear.

“Yes.” He said in one firm, sweeping word to all.

“For how long?”

He ran his hand through his hand.

"Ever since Seska thought she was having my child I thought about those kinds of of things."

She nodded.

He thumbed his cup and added, "But I've been thinking about you for years, Kathryn."

She bit her lip and her eyes became glossy.

In a hushed tone she said, "Even now?"

"Yes, even now," Chakotay said.

Kathryn said, "The kiss last night..."

"Do you regret it?" He asked, concerned.

"No," she said softly.

"Me, neither."

They looked into each other's eyes and watched as both of their eyes followed along their noses and mouths. Chakotay placed his cup and on the coffee table while keeping his eyes locked on her. He slowly and easily pried the cup out of her hand and replaced it with his hand while her cup joined his.

Chakotay said, "I'm willing to try this, to try us, if you are."

Kathryn softly placed a hand on his chest and kept looking at his mouth as she gave a nod. They leaned in and their kisses ignited the warm spark. The sweetness of his coffee perfectly blended with her bitter coffee on thieir lips and in their mouths. Her hands trailed to his neck as his hand cupped her face and the other placed itself on her waist. After a time, it slowed down and then she said, "I don't know what we should do now," and gave a nervous giggle.

"It's up to you. We can go as fast or slow as you need. As long as we don't fall back."

"I have something to tell you before we go any futher," Kathryn said with a blush.

Chakotay's face became serious and asked, "What is it?"

"That I can still have... sex...everything is still where it is in that factor...it may be awhile, depending on how sore I am still and how gentle it is... But, I'm not sure..."

She shook her head and continued, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed...especially since we only kissed...but you should know so you aren't disappointed just in case..."

He said, "Kathryn, it's alright."

"I'm not sure how much I will be able to feel down there. The Doctor said it should be fine but...the nerve endings and sensitivity...may not be what it once was. It may not be there at all."

He sighed and said, "I forgot to tell you something."

"What?" She said, a bit afraid of how he would respond.

"I have the next two days off. Tuvok said I needed some rest."

"Ohhh?" she said.

"And that what you said won't stop me at all. There are other ways I can pleasure you when it comes to intimacy," he gave a dimpled grin.

Kathryn smiled and held the hand he had on her cheek.

"But, I don't think we're ready for that, yet. Healing, physically and emotionally, _is_ important. Our bodily health is important, first and foremost. A healthy relationship is important and will be even stronger when that is taken care of, okay?"

"Yes, you're right."

"Any other confessions?" He asked with a raised eyebrow and a coy look.

"Only that I think we should finish our coffee before we continue tonight," Kathryn said with a smile.


	12. Chapter 12

"You seemed...chipper today," said the EMH.

"Do I?" Kathryn said as she clung to edge of the holodeck pool as part of her physical therapy.

"Yes," he said.

"Maybe it's because I slept well."

"No nightmares?"

"No."

"Good."

The Doctor helped her out of the pool and handed her the towel.

"Thanks."

"Your physical therapy is over for today, captain. Same time tomorrow."

"I'll see you then," she said and he transported back to sickbay.

Kathryn laid herself flat on one of the lounge chairs and closed her eyes.

She heard the holodeck doors open and she recognized the footsteps. Her eyes remained closed but a smile emerged from her lips.

"Now that's a sight to behold," the voice said above her.

She opened her eyes and said, "It is. Computer, activate privacy lock."

'Privacy lock engaged.'

"Hmmm. I see how it is," he smiled and said, "Close your eyes."

She complied and he heard his pants rustle as he bent down beside her.

Last night, they made out and laid with each other on the couch. When they began to tire they said goodnight and he returned to his quarters.

She felt his hands touch her face, his thumbs trailing down the bridge of her nose and strokes her lips. Her mouth opened slightly, her tongue waiting for his lips.

Chakotay continued to move his hands down her body. His hands caressed her breasts and she let out a gasp and opened her eyes.

"It's alright. Do you trust me?'

"Yes. I was just startled, that's all.'

"Just relax. Close your eyes. Feel my touch," he cooed.

She closed her eyes and gulped as he continued to knead her breasts. An airy moan escaped her mouth as her heart pounded. A few more moans were released before his hands continued down her body. Kayhryn felt his hands massage down her waist and pelvis, relieving some tension from the exercises earlier. The touches felt sensitive as they continued to her thighs. It was hard for her to control her breathing. A warm hand rested on her thigh as the other trailed back up along her inner thigh. It finally found its destination between her thighs and stroked over the material of the wet swimsuit.

Her body violently jolted to the intimate touch but she kept her eyes closed and gripped the loungechair.

He stopped and asked, "I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No," she squeaked, "continue."

She heard his warm chuckle and continued to pleasure her. Kathryn was surprised she was still fully in her one-piece suit when she felt completely naked at this point. His fingers rubbed her nub and the pressure was building up inside her. A mix of moans and stifled cries of restricted pleasure were let out. Her head angled back as it started to become too much. She wiggled out of control and she felt like she was losing her mind as she gulped and swallowed the air. Kathryn shook as she cried out, "Chakotay!" when she climaxed. He didn't let up at that point but continued.

"Oh, god!" She strained as she felt out of her body. Her brain was static fuzz and she couldn't think. Then, suddenly, her body shocked itself for a second time as she burst and cried out loudly, "Ahhh!"

Chakotay released his hand and stroked her hair as she came down.

"How was that for you?"

She opened her eyes and said, "Wow!"

His dimples popped out and said, "I told you I would be able to pleasure you."

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if any part of me would be left," she joked.

"And I wasn't even in you and you were fully clothed," he smiled and raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know if a swimsuit is truly fully clothed," she teased.

He cupped her face and they kissed.

Tears started to creep from the corners of her eyes.

Chakotay felt the tears run onto his thumbs and opened his eyes.

"You're crying," he said. "What is it?"

She opened her eyes and said, "You made me feel beautiful when I didn't feel I was."

He smiled and helped her up before taking her into his arms. Chakotay rested his head on her shoulder and said, "You have always been beautiful."

His body felt warm and cozy while she melted into it, or rather, dripped into it.

"Oh! I'm getting your clothes all soaked!"

With that, he squeezed her even more.

"Yep! Good thing we're in holodeck. Let's get those dryers going. Computer, activate air dryer."

Within minutes the two of them were dry. Kathryn put on her casual clothes over her suit and slipped on her flats.

"Computer, exit program," she said and they walked out of the holodeck.

"Chakotay, I didn't know you were so... skilled."

He coughed.

"I mean...I know you've had past... experiences... but still," she said in code in case anyone walked by.

"You've only had a sample of it," he winked and she gave a lopsided grin and blush.

She cleared her throat and her cheeks were burning.

They didn't say anything the rest of the way to deck three but gave each other snuck looks.

...

**A few weeks later.**

"Finally, the day is over," she exasperated as she took off her uniform jacket and hung it on the chair in her quarters.

"Already tired of being back in the captain's chair?" He joked.

"No," she said and started to take his jacket off.

"Oh, I see," he smiled as she put it on the chair next to hers.

She took off her shirts and rolled his up his body until he took it off.

He kissed her and she ran her hands through his raven hair. Kathryn wrapped her hands around his neck and soon her legs were wrapped around his waist. Chakotay headed towards the bedroom and gently folded her onto the bed.

"Chakotay, I want to try it tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I haven't had sores or pains and I haven't needed physical therapy for awhile."

"Okay, then," he growled and kissed her neck hungrily. She unfastened his pants and stuck a hand in.

"Whoa," he said as she gripped him in surprise. He moved her bra down and suckled her breasts, moving his tongue over her nipples. Kathryn nibbled on his ears as he unfastened her pants.

Chakotay stood up and shrugged off all the rest of his clothes so that he was buck naked. Then, he swept off her panties and pants off and onto the floor. He crawled back on top and unclasped her bra as he moved as he pressed his hardness against her. He slipped the bra off her and tossed it aside. Chakotay spread her legs open with his and aligned himself. He said, "I am going to go very slow. If you want to stop or if it hurts, let me know right away."

"Okay," she nodded.

Chakotay angled slowly inside of her. Kathryn took large breaths in as he filled her space.

"Still okay?"

She nodded. "You're a bit bigger than I realized. "

He have that cute shy dimpled grin. "Ahhh. Well, let's see how you can handle it."

He moved his hips towards her slowly.

"I can feel every part of you," she said with a smile.

"That's good," he said and continued with eyes full of warmth. His thighs rolled and moved to slowly roll himself in and out of her. Her sighs became deeper and he pressed kisses across her chest. Chakotay ran a hand along her stomach and abdomen as it rose and fell. He also started to make sounds as they entwined.

"Faster."

"Faster?"

"Faster."

He increased his acceleration and Kathryn began to moan. She held onto his chest and shoulders as she tried to match his motions. Chakotay covered her mouth with his and cupped her face as he held a thigh in his hand.

The kisses were straight to her core. They started to thrust even more quickly and deeply. The slaps of their sweaty bodies could be heard echoing the room. She felt their hot breath meet in the middle.

She cried into his mouth as he hummed into hers in ecstasy.

"Chakotay!" she whimpered.

"Kathryn!" he moaned as his seed shot through him and poured into her.

They shuddered and held in place as the waves of serotonin rushed through their heads. Her head and ears were abuzz with static. Chakotay then kissed her forehead and rolled onto his side.

"How was that?" He asked.

"More than I could have ever imagined. I'm just so glad I can still feel everything."

"You were still worried?" He asked.

"Yes. I didn't want you to feel like you were having sex with a log."

Chakotay laughed and traced a finger down her body and said, "You are definitely no _log_ , Kathryn."

She smiled and watched his fingers dance along the hills and divots of her body.

"I wish I could give you more; that I could give you children," she murmured.

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes and said, "I have all I need. Your love is all I need. In the future, if we want to, we can adopt. Let's leave Voyager's posterity in the hands of Voyager's crew for now. I mean, we already have Naomi and future Miss Paris. Maybe of them can be the flower girl."

"Flower girl?" Her eyes opened wide.

"Yes," he said with a smile and a twinkle in his eye.

She smiled and said, "I'd like that."

"Thank the gods for Voyager's posterity," he said and threw a sheet over them as she giggled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice soon that I'll be slowing down on my postings since I'll start teaching again soon (Yay, I found a another job at the same district!) I'm going to try to get as many of my other stories typed up from March-June as I can before then. 
> 
> Have a Reddit? Wanna collaborate sometime? My username is the same on there! StarTrekkin08
> 
> Completed 07/27/2020.
> 
> I don't own rights to Voyager

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own rights to Voyager.
> 
> Written 3/22-3/23/2020. Then typed up and started to overhaul it 6/18/2020, 7/17/2020-current.


End file.
